Escalating assertion is a communication technique where you gradually increase the firmness of your response when someone continues to violate your rights or boundaries after you've made an initial, polite assertion. It involves starting with a gentle approach and becoming progressively more direct and assertive until the other person acknowledges and respects your needs.
Understanding Escalating Assertion
Escalating assertion is useful when someone isn't responding to your initial attempts to communicate your needs or when they are persistent in violating your boundaries. It's a way to maintain your position without resorting to aggression or hostility. The key is to start with a polite and reasonable request and only increase the intensity if necessary.
How Escalating Assertion Works
Here's a step-by-step breakdown of how escalating assertion typically unfolds:
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Initial Assertion (Gentle and Polite): Start by clearly and calmly stating your needs or boundaries. For example, "I understand you're busy, but I need you to be on time for our meetings."
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Repeat Assertion (Firm and Direct): If the person doesn't respond to your initial assertion, repeat your request, being more firm and direct. For instance, "As I said, it's important that you be on time for our meetings. Being late disrupts the agenda and wastes everyone's time."
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Emphasize Consequences (Assertive and Clear): If the behavior persists, clearly state the consequences of their actions. For example, "If you continue to be late for our meetings, I will have to start the meeting without you, and you will miss important information."
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Enforce Consequences (Decisive and Unwavering): If the behavior still doesn't change, enforce the consequences you previously stated. For example, "Because you were late again, I started the meeting without you. You can review the minutes later."
Example Scenario
Imagine a coworker, Sarah, consistently borrows your stapler and doesn't return it. Here's how you could use escalating assertion:
- Initial Assertion: "Sarah, could you please return my stapler when you're done with it?"
- Repeat Assertion: "Sarah, I need my stapler back. I've asked you before to return it after you use it."
- Emphasize Consequences: "Sarah, if you borrow my stapler again and don't return it, I'm going to have to put it in my drawer, and you won't be able to use it."
- Enforce Consequences: (If Sarah borrows the stapler again and doesn't return it) "Sarah, I'm putting my stapler in my drawer now, as I mentioned I would if it wasn't returned after use."
Key Considerations
- Stay Calm: Maintain a calm and controlled demeanor throughout the process.
- Be Clear and Specific: Clearly state your needs and the consequences of not meeting them.
- Be Consistent: Enforce the consequences you stated.
- Know Your Limits: Understand when it's appropriate to escalate the situation and when it's necessary to seek help from a supervisor or HR.
Escalating assertion is a valuable tool for setting boundaries and ensuring your needs are met while maintaining a respectful and professional approach.
