No, we don't entirely choose whom we fall in love with; however, we do have a significant degree of control over who we choose to pursue and build relationships with. Falling in love often feels involuntary, a subconscious response to various cues and chemistry [as cited in Quora: Why can't we choose who we fall in love with?]. However, the initial attraction, while perhaps not fully conscious, is influenced by many factors we can impact.
The Role of Choice in Love
While the feeling of love might be involuntary, the decision to act on that feeling, to pursue a relationship, and to nurture that love is a conscious choice. As stated in Psychology Today's article, "Can We Choose Who Not to Love?", our choices before and after we fall in love are crucial. We choose who we meet, who we date, and whether we continue to invest in a relationship.
- Before falling in love: We consciously choose who we interact with, where we spend our time, and which social circles we inhabit. These choices significantly influence who we encounter and who might become a potential partner.
- After falling in love: We consciously choose to nurture the relationship through communication, compromise, and sustained effort. This conscious choice is essential to maintaining and deepening love.
Several sources highlight this distinction:
- Elite Daily's "It's Actual Chemistry" emphasizes the role of compatibility in influencing who we are drawn to, suggesting that while chemistry is a factor, compatibility is partly predictable and therefore influencible by our choices.
- One Reddit user's opinion, as seen in the r/unpopularopinion thread, argues that inability to choose is often regret in disguise; acknowledging the choice allows us to take responsibility for our relationships.
- BetterHelp points out that love is both a feeling and a choice, indicating that while the initial feeling might not be fully controlled, the decision to maintain and nurture the love is within our power.
The Illusion of No Choice
The belief that we have no choice in whom we fall in love with often stems from a misunderstanding of the process. While initial attraction may feel sudden and inexplicable, it's a complex interaction of biological, psychological, and social factors. We don't choose the initial spark, but we can influence the circumstances that foster or prevent such sparks.
For example, someone might feel an immediate attraction to someone who consistently exhibits kindness, humor, and intelligence—traits they consciously value. While the attraction itself is involuntary, the decision to pursue a relationship with someone who embodies those traits reflects a conscious preference.
In conclusion, while the initial "falling in love" might feel like something we don't control, the subsequent development and maintenance of a relationship are subject to conscious choice and active participation.
