Changing your expectations of someone involves a conscious effort to re-evaluate your assumptions and adjust your perspective to align with reality. It's about accepting the person for who they are, rather than who you want them to be. Here's a breakdown of how to do it:
Steps to Adjust Your Expectations
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Acknowledge and Identify the Expectations:
- What specific behavior or trait are you hoping the other person will change? Clearly define the expectation. For example, "I expect my partner to be more communicative about their feelings."
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Look at the Evidence:
- Objectively assess past interactions. Is there consistent evidence supporting your expectation, or is it more of a wishful thought?
- Consider their capacity. Are they genuinely unable to meet your expectation due to their personality, skills, or circumstances?
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Allow Yourself to Grieve:
- Acknowledge the disappointment that comes with realizing someone may not meet your expectations. It's okay to feel sad, frustrated, or even angry. Grieving allows you to process these emotions and move forward.
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Challenge Your Expectations:
- Are your expectations realistic and fair? Are they based on your needs or theirs? Often, expectations are rooted in our own insecurities or desires.
- Ask yourself: "Is it necessary for this person to change, or is it just desirable?"
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Communicate (If Appropriate):
- If the relationship is important, have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and revised expectations. Focus on your needs and feelings rather than blaming the other person.
- Be prepared for them to not change, even after the conversation. This is where acceptance comes in.
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Set New, Realistic Expectations:
- Base your new expectations on the person's demonstrated behavior and capabilities. This doesn't mean lowering your standards entirely, but rather adjusting them to be more achievable.
- For example, instead of expecting constant emotional communication, perhaps you can expect them to be willing to listen and be present when you need to talk.
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Focus on Acceptance:
- Accept the person for who they are, flaws and all. Acceptance doesn't mean condoning negative behavior, but it does mean recognizing that you can't change someone else.
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Shift Your Focus:
- Instead of focusing on what the person isn't doing, focus on their positive qualities and the things they do bring to the relationship.
- Invest your energy into aspects of the relationship that are fulfilling and supportive.
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Consider Your Boundaries:
- If the person's behavior is harmful or unhealthy, it's important to set boundaries to protect yourself. This might involve limiting contact, establishing clear expectations for how you will be treated, or even ending the relationship.
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Chart a Course Forward:
- Now that you've adjusted your expectations and (potentially) communicated with the other person, what steps can you take to move forward in a healthy and fulfilling way?
Example Scenario:
You expect your friend to always be on time. They are consistently late.
- Evidence: They have always been late to everything.
- Grieve: Acknowledge your frustration with their tardiness.
- Challenge: Is it essential for them to be on time? Or is it just annoying?
- New Expectation: Accept they'll likely be late. Plan to meet them later than the actual start time, or choose activities where being on time isn't critical.
By following these steps, you can create healthier relationships and reduce disappointment by aligning your expectations with reality. Remember that changing your expectations is about self-care and creating a more peaceful inner world.
