Telling your girlfriend you're asexual is a significant conversation. Honesty and open communication are key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Here's a structured approach to help you navigate this:
1. Choose the Right Time and Place
- Privacy is essential: Pick a time and place where you can both talk openly and honestly without distractions or interruptions. Your home, or a quiet park are good options. Avoid public places where she might feel uncomfortable expressing her feelings.
- Avoid stressful times: Don't have this conversation when either of you are stressed, tired, or preoccupied. Choose a time when you both feel relaxed and can focus on each other.
2. Plan What You Want to Say
While spontaneity can be good, it's helpful to have a general idea of what you want to communicate. Consider the following points:
- Start with Affection and Reassurance: Reiterate your feelings for her and emphasize that this isn't about her, but about your identity. For example, "Hi [Girlfriend's Name], I really value our relationship, and I want to be open and honest with you about something important."
- Clearly Define Asexuality: Explain what asexuality means to you. "I identify as asexual, which means I don't experience sexual attraction." Be prepared to explain further if she's unfamiliar with the term. You could say, "For me, that means I don't feel the need to have sex."
- Emphasize the Relationship: Reassure her that your asexuality doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship. Many asexual individuals enjoy romantic relationships, intimacy, and emotional connection. Explain what aspects of the relationship are important to you and how you envision your future together.
- Be Prepared for Questions: She will likely have questions, and that's perfectly normal. Be patient and understanding as you answer them. If you don't know the answer to something, it's okay to say that. You can research it together later.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Be prepared for a range of reactions. She might be understanding, confused, hurt, or a combination of these. Allow her time to process the information.
3. Sample Conversation Starter
You could adapt the following script:
"Hi, [Girlfriend's Name]. We've gone on a couple of dates, and I wanted to bring something up before things get more serious. I identify as asexual, which means that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. To be clear, there's nothing wrong with you; I'm just not interested in sex in the same way that others are. I really value our relationship and enjoy spending time with you. I still want to be with you, and I still want intimacy, but maybe in a different way. I'm happy to talk more about what this means for us."
4. Discuss Boundaries and Expectations
- Open Communication is Key: Emphasize the importance of open and honest communication. Make it clear that you're willing to discuss your boundaries and expectations.
- Compromise and Flexibility: Relationships require compromise. Be open to exploring different forms of intimacy and connection that work for both of you.
- Revisit the Conversation: This conversation might need to be revisited multiple times as you both process the information and adjust your expectations.
5. Be Patient and Understanding
- Give Her Time to Process: It might take time for your girlfriend to fully understand and accept your asexuality. Be patient and allow her the space she needs to process her feelings.
- Seek Support if Needed: If you're struggling to communicate effectively or if either of you are experiencing significant distress, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues.
- Respect Her Decision: Ultimately, she needs to decide if she's comfortable being in a relationship with someone who is asexual. Respect her decision, even if it's not what you hoped for.
6. Resources
- The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN): https://www.asexuality.org/ Provides information, resources, and a community forum for asexual individuals and their allies.
By being honest, open, and understanding, you can navigate this conversation and build a stronger, more authentic relationship with your girlfriend.
